Saying no

July 9, 2010 By Melissa Filed Under motherhood

Last night I went to see Eclipse with some girlfriends. Emeline wanted to give me a manicure before I went. While she was working, they asked me why I wouldn’t let them go. Several of their friends had seen it, some even younger than they are. Why wouldn’t I let them go?

fingernails

I explained the best I could, that parents make different decisions for their children for different reasons, and I had made the decision that I didn’t want them seeing this movie yet. My big girls are 12 and 10.

While I was watching the movie, I tried to imagine how I would feel if my girls were there with me. What parts would it make me uncomfortable for them to see? What parts would I want to shield them from?

There’s no nudity. There’s no bad language. There’s some violence, but not much worse than what you’d see on a Bugs Bunny cartoons. And, I don’t fear that after watching the movies, my kids will run away from home and join a vampire cult. So, what’s my problem?

My girls watch Andy Griffith and The Beverly Hillbillies, and occasionally some shows on television. I’m not against television or movies. I just am for guarding them against some things until they are older.

Kids are bombarded with teenage sexuality so early in seemingly innocent shows like Hannah Montana and iCarly. Sometimes I can’t even put my finger on exactly why I don’t like them watching, I just know I don’t.

I don’t want their young minds on thoughts of boyfriends, love or any other adult situations right now. Right now I want them to be children.

Some may say, your daughter is 12, when are you going to let her grow up?

I don’t think growing up means having a boyfriend or thinking about falling in love, I think growing up means learning responsibility and self-control. Some things should come before the other. It helps you make better choices.

On my sidebar, I (only half) jokingly say, “disappointing kids on a daily basis.” Sometimes that is what it feels like I do. I say no to cell phones for my children, no to television shows, no to certain movies and no to sleepovers away from home.

But, I say yes to a lot of things too. Yes to imagination, yes to painting with watercolors in my kitchen, yes to pulling out the fabric and creating whatever you want, yes to playing all day instead of school, yes, to painting my fingernails 4 different colors.

The big girls understand and expect me to say no to the baby about so many things. No, she can’t play with scissors, “MOM, she has scissors!”. No, she can’t walk on the wet floor. No, she can’t run free in the parking lot.

I say no because she isn’t mature enough to understand the dangers. And, that’s the same reason I say no to them.

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64 Comments
  • So glad to hear I'm not alone in this. I do think every child my daughter knows (she's also 12) has seen the entire series. And I say no to almost all the same things for the same reasons. I've gotten to not care what others think of the decisions, and I appreciate that although she argues with me over other things, she has grown to accept and choose things better because of my stance. I tell her that I want her to learn these things now and choose them now because then when peer pressure is there trying to tell you something else is no big deal when it really is, it will be easier to see and to make the right choice. It's not always easy, but I'm so glad we're not alone.
  • I'm the one who NewEveryAM rolled her eyes at... and I want to encourage all you young moms to stick with what you know God is calling you to be: pleasing to Him! I always had to keep in mind that I was not responsible for what other parents did or did not allow, but I sure was responsible to my Heavenly Father for what I allowed with the children He had entrusted to me. It's always easier to be "tough" & allow more as they get older, than to try to backtrack. Hang in there, moms & give God your best!
  • Great post, Melissa. My thoughts went immediately to Philippians 4 where we're told what we should focus upon. It's a wonderful filter to use in life. Too many parents are way too permissive and it has not benefited the children in the least. Good for you!!
  • Great post, very well said. We're the same on most of the issues you wrote about. I say no a lot, and disappoint my kids daily as well. They usually mind initially, but get over it so fast I have to think there won't be lasting effects. There are kids in our school in Kindergarten with cell phones. Geeze!
  • Sheila
    I was with you all the way until you said sleepovers. I'm curious - why say no to sleepovers? Or did you just mean some sleepovers? Please know I'm not here at all to argue the point (I say no to some sleepovers for various reasons), but just to understand what your thinking is. Sleepovers may have been a fairly easy topic for me, because my girls have generally always been invited for sleepovers with their Christian friends whose families I knew and were relationships I wanted to encourage. I genuinely just would like to know your thinking. I read blogs of Christian mothers in large part because I want to hear thoughts that are not my own. If I live in my own thoughts, it's a pretty small world. :)
  • the sleepover (away from home not here, sleepovers at my house are fine) issue began when they were quite young, about 5 or 6 and were being invited to homes that i either didn't know the parents well or didn't know the dad of the home or just for some reason did not feel comfortable having them with that particular child alone overnight. i decided to make a blanket no to all sleepovers away from home so that 1. we didn't have to hurt anyone's feelings because my kids got to go with one friend and not another, and 2. i didn't even have to make a decision. it just made it easier for me.

    we will re-evaluate this when they are older.
  • Sheila
    Okay, that totally makes sense. I was just wondering if there was some aspect of sleepovers I haven't thought about. :) I am fortunate, because the very few occasions my kids were asked to go for a sleepover somewhere I didn't feel totally comfortable with, they were glad for me to say no. I don't think either of my kids did sleepovers until 2nd grade, and by then had friends whose families I knew well.
  • Mattanddawn1
    Just a suggestion; When I asked mom if I could do something that I hoped she would say no to, we had a code, a small hand movement or phase, to let her know that I needed her to say no for me. It was GREAT!! - Dawn
  • I also want to add that i don't think my children even know what Twiight is...they've never mentioned the book or the movie, thankfully. My 12 yo son did just ask if he can read the Harry Potter series....we've never let them read them. We told him we will have to think about it and read the books ourselves before we will let him. That's another series that has been 'questionable' amonsgst parents, I think. Anyway, another benefit to homeschooling in my opinion....
  • you should definitely read it yourself. there are no teen love situations.
    only magic, which can also be found in all the Disney movies.
  • finallygettingtoeven.com
    When I was younger with a sister 6 yrs older than I, it seemed like she got all the fun, while my mom insisted on keeping me the 'baby' in the family. I wanted to do and see all the things that 'big sis' did, instead I had to stay home and play with my barbies.

    In spite of that our kids are only 'little' once and why subject them to too much too early. Preserve their innocence as long as possible, but keep in mind what you don't tell them, their friends will.
  • Totally on point Melissa.
  • I couldn't agree with you more. I found you through Angie (Pebblekeeper of Petra School). I so enjoyed reading your post. Thanks for sharing pearls of wisdom.
  • Ang
    Yesterday I was standing in line at Michaels craft store. A little boy about four at the oldest was right behind me. He got really excited when he seen the posters from the Twilight Saga. He started talking to his mom about the movies and begging for a poster. My husband and I have four boys from seven to fifteen. I was thinking this little guy should be talking about Toy Story and kids movies more his age. My boys have had to grow up way too fast as their dad is in the military. Their dad has deployed to war three times. The first time the youngest was eleven months and the oldest was nine. He left on Mothers Day. War deployments are part of his job but does not make them any easier. They did not know if dad would come back or not. Thankfully he did come back each time. Each time he came home a different person. The boys now deal with a dad who has PTSD and other war related issues. Would my husband go again to defend his country, yes in a heartbeat. Children grow up way too fast without pushing it along. Just my thoughts and opinions. Thank you for your honesty!
  • you're right. your kids are growing up learning responsibility and respect. that kind of growing up is far more useful than teenage love.
  • Erin
    I love you so much. In a completely not scary, not stalkerish way. :)
  • that made me laugh.
  • I am seeing this more and more - pulling apart from the stream as my son hits 12, and the younger is 9. We hardly live a sheltered life - but what we honor, promote, idolize, strive for are so different than our visiting friends and family. I look at the ages of 9 and 12 as still children. Still vulnerable. Still sweet. I'm not going to push or encourage change to become an adult. :) Let them grow into it naturally. :)
  • Pebblekeeper
    Passing on a Blog Award to ya this morning. :)

    http://pebblekeeper.wordpress.com/2010/07/10/substance-blog-award/
  • Talysa
    Oh friend I wish you were my neighbor so we could encourage each other everyday to say "no"...I feel exactly the same way you do...and sometimes I feel like the wicked witch of the west in a land of parents who say yes to everything! And with having a 14 year old boy it becomes very easy to feel so much guilt that we cave on our convictions...or at least slip a bit. It's so hard to disappoint them...or fear them resenting you and your convictions.

    We DVR certain shows (Andy Griffith...Cosby SHow...and Little House)..the commercials on those are even bad so we fast forward thru everything...other than that I say no. The shows on Nick and Disney are ridiculous and the kids are emulating adult behavior.

    And dating...I have just learned a hard lesson in this area...my son is not allowed to "date" but I allowed him to go to a movie with a group of friends only to discover that a girl in the group was very aggressive and very much smitten with my son. So talk took place that never should have and it broke my heart. I felt like we had failed him a bit by allowing the group activity at such an early age. It is just so hard because the majority of parents do not feel the way we do.

    I am reading a WONDERFUL book that I believe every parent should read and then read to or with their children at the right age....it's called "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" by Josh Harris. WOW. I am so regretful that no one shared something like this with me as a teenager. It is such a good book so far...we are reading it together and it has made for great discussion. Such a godly approach to the issue.

    Ok, I'm rambling...thanks so much for sharing this..it has been a subject very heavy on my heart lately and I just can't seem to articulate what I'm feeling yet. This helps me to know I'm not alone.

    Love the nails by the way. ;-)
  • i read that book and it really changed the way i thought about dating and
    the way i talk to my kids about dating now.

    we also record shows on tv. the commercials are simply awful.
  • I agree with you. I haven't let my 13yod see any of the movies or read the books (although I have).
  • "...I think growing up means learning responsibility and self-control. Some things should come before the other. It helps you make better choices."

    This is the part where I would say Amen! if we were in church. Or applaud loudly if you were speaking out loud.
  • I particularly liked this comment, though I agreed with all of what you said. I wish I had been better prepared with responsibility and self-control, before being allowed to be bombarded by all the images, thoughts of boyfriends, etc. We also limit what our kids watch on TV, what they read, who they hang out with, movies, actions they take....and we've tried to explain the same as you. "Parents are just different and for us we just think you're not ready for ....." Obviously they do not always like or agree with our answers but they accept them, they're used to it by now. We have one that especially likes to try to buck the system...isn't there always one? We're working on it. Thanks for this post. It sounds very much like our home, and my reasoning....
  • if you applauded while i was speaking i would die of embarrassment.
  • Talysa
    Yeah me too...I would at least let out a big "whoo" or something. Maybe even a "preach it sista!" ;-)
  • Talysa
    Or maybe "testify!" ;-)
  • Way to go mom! Keep saying no. I often remind myself that I'm not trying to win a popularity contest; just the approval of my heavenly Father who gave me this job. One day, our children will thank us. One day. :)
    When I was growing up, I did my share of rolling my eyes at my own parents' "No's" but it sure was a relief to get to use them as an excuse to say no to things I really didn't want to do/go/see.

    As a mom of 9 & 11 year old girls, I'm right there in the trenches with you and wish I could give you a high five (or fist pump, or whatever is cool right now)
  • it's nice to have friends surrounding you who feel the same convictions, even if they are virtual.
  • New Every Morning
    Melissa, I loved this post so much that it spurred me on to write my own post about saying no. I've linked to you because I love how you approached the Twilight issue. THANK YOU!!!
  • thank you for that comment!
  • Totally with you on that.
  • Beautifully written and my thoughts exactly, Melissa. I love, love, love this post.
  • NoahZa1
    well said..thanks
  • I think I'll let my sweet 11 year old daughter read this - she thinks I'm the only mom in America who says no to cel phones, Hannah M and sleepovers! But like you, we say yes to lots too. Their innocence at this age is worth protecting.
  • Kathy
    AMEN AMEN AMEN!!! I have been reading through the Twilight books recently and feeling the SAME exact way you do. Even though there is NO sex, there is a lot of implied sexual tension and desire. I want my girls to learn that those things/feelings are meant for your husband, not a teenage boyfriend. My girls are 8 and 7 and I know it will be a LONG while before I agree to let them read/see the Twilight series. Thank you for sharing!
  • rardnek
    I love this post. I love your parenting style and the relationship you have with your kids. I love that your girl wanted to give you a manicure, even though you were saying "no" to her.

    As you might guess by my blog title, I embrace the role of "Meanest Momma" because sometimes it's better for them to have a "mean" mom than an a permissive one.
  • you're right about that!
  • Angie
    I applaud your decisions and agree 100%!
  • mamaduso
    Well said. I personally don't care to read those books or see the movies. They go against my convictions of keeping the darkness out of our minds/eyes. And I do believe vampires are darkness and under-worldly. Therefore my children will not see them as long as they live in my home, and hopefully I can teach them the same convictions to not see or read them as adults. We talk a lot about why they cannot watch certain movies and why many books are not good to read. We talk about what they put into their minds and therefore their hearts shapes who they become. My goal is to help them give their hearts to Jesus first, then to their husband. I personally hate seeing young kids in movies giving their hearts to others at such young ages. Frankly, it's embarrassing. Yeah, I know, to each his/her own. I just wanted to share my side of argument. (even though technically no one is arguing!)
  • I SO agree w/you! Becoming a Christian after I was married & had one child, my eyes saw way too much on the big screen. But since then, my criteria for myself has been: Jesus is sitting in this theater with me.. does HE like seeing what I am seeing?
  • you're right about what they put in their minds shapes who they become. good
    point.
  • sissyreads
    My parents were very vigilant about what we watched but extremely liberal about what we read. I am such a visual learner and anything scary gave me nightmares for weeks.

    Though I am not a parent I come across this issue with Eclipse and Breaking Dawn in my library. At what age are the books appropriate? And I say it depends on the kid and the maturity level AND what parents decide is appropriate for their family. Some parents have not allowed their kids to read those books, others have.

    I think it also depends on when you have had the birds and the bees talk with your kids, and if they understand what all that kissing leads to. My parents explained sex when I was 10. On my 10th birthday to be exact. With diagrams and the encyclopedia. And mom explained that sex was for married people. I was glad I had that message early on.

    Hmmm. Lots to think about. As a non-parent, I like reading what you have to say about it.

    And I loved the nails.
  • you're absolutely right that each parent has to decide. this is not a post
    telling someone else what to do.
  • Bensrib
    I totally agree. And I love the picture with Tess peeking from behind you. Precious!
  • thanks. she manages to get into the majority of my pictures. must be the
    cute appeal.
  • I think you're right on about steering clear of the boyfriend/girlfriend situations at such a young age. My oldest are boys, but we deal with this frequently with other children at church saying "he likes her, she likes him & so on"(even kindergarteners).

    I think it's really sad that it's widely accepted for children to give their hearts away at such a young age before they are able to understand what it actually means. I know it's seemingly innocent, but I feel that it makes light of the serious commitment required in a future marriage.

    We as parents are definitely responsible for training our children to be responsible & prepared for that commitment, but not to introduce them to relationships before they're ready. Sounds like you're doing a great job with yours! Thanks for sharing! I'm glad I found this post today.
  • thanks for your comment. yes, i notice that too with kids so young claiming
    boyfriends before they even start school.
  • Talysa
    "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" by Josh Harris...I'm telling you this book should mandatory for kids to read, hear, whatever. Teaching them that purity is not at all just about sex...and that if that is your goal you will likely fail. Purity is about your heart and your mind and when that resonates, you will think of sex and physical things with a much different mindset. He encourages them to see dating for what it really is...selfishness... instant gratification...and a lot of empty promises.

    "The joy of intimacy is the reward of commitment" he says..."We date because we want to enjoy the emotional and physical benefits of intimacy without the responsibility of real commitment"

    "We should not ask for a level of intimacy and emotional loyalty that goes beyond our true level of commitment. If we're not able to deepen in commitment and pursue the possibility of marriage, we should halt the progression of intimacy at the friendship stage"

    "A guy and a girl meeting over lunch isn't the issue. The issue is whether the intimacy in your relationship is appropriate to your current level of commitment"

    That my friend will preach in my book! can you imagine if our kids really got this?!?!

    We deal with all of that talk in church and youth as well...even in really young kids. It turns my stomach...and it's like this book says..."liking" or "dating" someone and then changing your mind like the wind because you are so young is only practicing for divorce.

    ok, I'm rambling again. I'm leaving your post Melissa before I get kicked out! :-)
  • great post girl. one i needed to read and be reminded of.

  • thanks.
  • This post made me CHEER! YAY to you for sharing these thoughts and putting into words what I feel so deeply! Thanks!
  • that made me smile. at least someone is cheering, even if it isn't my kids
    :)
  • thekelleyeight
    I am in 100% agreement with you. I have seen each movie, and after viewing let my daughter watch. I have told her I will not let her go to the theater to watch Eclipse, and I will be thinking about letting her see the DVD, if I am with her and can skip some love scenes. There is no nudity, but the scenes are intense, and I was SHOCKED to see kids in the theater with watching those same scenes!
    Even though many disagree, I think there are good themes in the series, and I as a Christian am cool with watching/reading them all. I am an adult, my daughter is not. :)
  • as far as movies go, this may be considered one of the good ones, for
    adults.
  • darcy @ m3b
    My 10 yr old wants to see it, too. Not for the same reasons, he's a boy - he wants to see battle scenes - he's picturing a Narnia-like battle like the commercials - with the two sides rushing at each other with cool special effects.

    But I'm with you. I think I'll know when it feels right, but now isn't even close to the right time.

    He still thinks a jolly red man flies around the world to deliver presents on flying woodland creatures. You can't distinguish reality and fantasy if you're still in that camp. Who knows what he might think is real, or possible.
  • you should definitely watch it first if you're considering it. maybe you
    could get it on tv and just let him watch the battle scenes. those were
    pretty cool, though weird.
  • Jackie
    So nicely put. They grow up fast enough. They don't need all the external pressure.
  • the Blah Blah Blahger
    I begged and begged and begged to see PG-13 movies as a tween. Finally, my mom took me to see a movie (that she'd already previewed) and then made me clothes my eyes at a certain scene. I was mortified...but ultimately, happy to see the movie. I look back now and think to myself that she was definitely protecting my innocent eyes and as my mother, that was her right and DUTY. I'm totally with ya that our kids are growing up too fast these days and everything they watch and see in person is encouraging that...I'm glad you're allowing them to be kids for a little while longer!
  • that's funny that she covered your eyes. i tried to remember a similar
    situation (as an example) for my kids about my mom saying no to a movie, but
    i couldn't. i don't know if it was because we rarely went to the movies or i
    just have a very bad memory.
  • hisgirlamber
    I didn't realize what a struggle this would be with my boy. I halfway expected it with my girls, because I remember 'fighting against the system' but with my son it is harder than I could have imagined.
    You're doing the exact right thing. Do not grow weary in doing good, for in due season you will reap the harvest if you do not give up...
  • i appreciate that encouragement!
  • It's hard isn't it? I feel it with my older kids too.


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